As most of you know, I am a nice Jewish girl, albeit one who takes on divorce with an alarming amount of – oh, what’s the word – audacity. I have gone through many guys since the divorce, and not all of them have been Jewish. So therefore, I have had to unzip a guy and figure out whether the penis I will be working with comes with a sweater (read: uncircumcised).
While I am very fortunate to live in America where most men get the snip, it’s not always the case. If you decide, after a divorce from a Jewish guy where you had to beg for sex from him, that you’re going to try different varieties of sausages other than the kosher variety, you may get some different… well, casings, from time to time.
I am just very thankful that I didn’t have my friend SO’s experience when she went to Spain. A stunning Jewish Persian beauty, she met a gorgeous man in Barcelona and went to bed with him. Up until that point, she had never seen a guy with his junk still intact from the womb days, and had no idea what she would be facing. And she was disgusted by it.
“I just kept my eyes closed when he was out,” she said to me. “As long as I couldn’t see it, it didn’t bother me. He tried to bring it up for me to work with, and I said, ‘No, no! I’m good!’”
There has been much research into circumcision over the years as being healthier than not doing it, although now there are plenty of liberal and back-to-nature movements trying to fight it. I have heard all the research into how it prevents more STDs, how in truth it’s there in the womb only for penile development and is unnecessary afterwards.
Ironically, my first time seeing a penis was with my first high school boyfriend, who was technically a summer love at camp, and he was uncircumcised. I didn’t really want to see his penis in the first place, but he decided to whip it out. I was so traumatized I began to cry. Didn’t help that he was soon after bitten by a poisonous bug and hallucinated in the camp’s infirmary for the next two hours.
I never really had sex with that boyfriend, and was fortunate that, up until my marriage, I never got another uncircumcised guy. I learned my sexual bearings on the unobstructed mushrooms and didn’t have any issues with the casings.
About five months after my divorce, I got involved with The Psychic. He was 10 years older than me, a fashion-forward Latino punk with psychic tendencies whose family came from Mexico. They didn’t circumcise, and he told me so before I unzipped him and found the sweater.
“It’s okay,” he said to me. “It’s helps me from coming too fast.”
And now here I was, a nice Jewish girl who, even though she dated non-Jews, had only seen one uncircumcised penis before this point. How was I supposed to go down on him? My technique was dependent on the mushroom tip variety. Would sex be different for us?
It wasn’t as terrible looking as all the girls think it is (but then again, I’m not squeamish by any sense), and since we used protection, the mechanics weren’t too terrible. But giving head was a problem. Where was my tongue supposed to go? Could he feel what I was doing? Should I suck harder? Should I change my technique?
It turns out that there wasn’t a terrible amount of difference – simply shift the foreskin around to do what you would normally do without it – but I was not a huge fan of the uncircumcised penis. It wasn’t as satisfying being able to work my normal sexual technique. And even though the sex was good, it wasn’t great. I missed my mushrooms. I wanted my American-style cocks back, where I knew how to give head, where sex wasn’t dependent on moving foreskins, where there were no casings around.
So after the Psychic faded away into casual sex phase memory, I moved back to the more traditional Western-style penis. Although I haven’t gone back to solely Jewish penis – mainly because Jewish men are attached to them, and they’ve got issues up the wazoo – I think there is something to be said about Abraham and his snipping practices. As Mel Brooks said to the Merry Men of Robin Hood: Men in Tights, “The ladies love it!”