Tag Archives: friends

Apr4

Catty Cathies — Making Female Friends

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Amira Young

Los Angeles is a city of vapid thinking and artificial people. And while dating has been difficult, there is another sector of my social life reboot that has been rather difficult, and that has been making female friends.

I have a cool group of friends that I accumulated from my college days and past married life who are down-to-earth, easygoing girls who are fun to be around. As most of them are far away, I have been trying to find a new group of friends. However, as I have journeyed through, all I keep seeming to find are mean girls.

These are girls who are gushing about their Miu Miu bags and gossiping about other girls at parties. They are the ones who whisper behind hands and, when I approach, they turn to their friends and say, “Oh, let’s go over there,” like at a recent party. I have heard … Read more

Feb11

Friends and Lovers

Posted on February 11, 2013 by Amira Young

Friends and Lovers

Today’s post is dedicated to my Papu and Nony, who would have been married 75 years today. They were each other’s lovers, partners and best friends. Love you, and miss you, always.

The last time that AD and I spoke, I asked him to bury the hatchet with me; to forget our fights and to let everything go, and to just let us be friends again. He said no, and that we were no longer friends, but only acquaintances.

“I’m not your husband, I’m not one of your girlfriends,” he said to me in a calm, too-controlled tone. I realized later, as I do when I am out of situations like that because I am forced to say something under pressure, that he thought he was being put in the friend zone. It is that spot of which guys figure that there is no way out, where they are reduced to being just the friend while the girl dates, when in truth they want the girl. AD couldn’t take it. So he bolted from my life completely.

When I got divorced, there was a lot I didn’t understand – friend versus boyfriend, male and female dynamics, how to talk to a guy you like not as if he was one of your girlfriends. These were all lessons I had to learn, particularly as I was moving forward. I wish I didn’t have to learn them on AD.

As for the friend zone, I don’t believe I have one. It’s more like the “brother” zone, where guys like JB and AR end up.

These guys are wonderful, sweet and incredible human beings. I love talking to them and spending time with them. But then the question comes up, “Would I date them?” The answer, of course, is no. I view them like brothers. They are the ones who high-five me at a new sexual conquest, who can talk to me about anything and never get uncomfortable. I can snuggle up to them and it wouldn’t mean anything.

However, when it comes to dating, though, if I want to date someone for a serious relationship, I would prefer a friend – someone who knew me before and we were just moving forward from there. We would know each other’s values and understand each other before we went into that relationship realm. A friend can understand things better and has seen more of your personality. I feel that it’s a better basis for a long-term coupling. So in that sense, the friend zone for a guy in my instance is to his advantage.

My preference for this actually came from a story that my mother told me about deciding to finally marry my father. He proposed to her six weeks after they started dating. Her response: “What are you, nuts?!?!? I’m not marrying you!” She slammed the door in his face and broke up with him. This pattern continued for a year, until my mother’s aunt from Washington, D.C., came to visit and took a liking to my father.

At one point, she was talking to my mother, and asked her, if my father were not to be her husband, what she would want my dad to be in her life.

“I would want him to be my very best friend,” she said.

“Well, that sounds like a marriage to me,” the aunt said. And after that conversation, my mother agreed to marry my father.

Although it has never been an easy road for either of them, my father still says that for about 20 years of their lives, they had a very passionate marriage and loved each other very much. And honestly, sometimes 20 years of passion is all you can ask for in wedded life.

AD never understood this – many men don’t. I looked at him and never saw a brother, even when we were friends when I was married. I saw a man in all forms. He was someone who made me feel incredible, who looked at me as if I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I saw the man who knew me so well and I knew too, who could be my best friend. After my split, I realized I could see him standing by my side as my loyal partner for the rest of my life, because he knew me that well and I not only was comfortable around him, but I respected him, adored him, wanted him, loved him. I wanted a life with him. Simple as that.

I never proceeded because of fear and emotional instability. I listened to everyone else; the girls who would whisper, “Oh, he only loves you like a sister,” when even P was saying that AD had been nuts about me forever. He’s a gorgeous guy, smart as hell and funny as could be. He was an incredibly good person. How could I be worthy of this man? How could I think he would ever want me? What if I had made a move and ruined everything? So I never did, keeping the way things are because all I wanted to do was make sure I never lost him, because I knew it would kill me. I hid my feelings from him and kept my friendship in hopes that he would never leave. And I paid the price and lost him anyway.

AD is gone, and I live with the grief of it every day. I am doing my best to move on, but it’s more difficult than I ever thought possible, even after being divorced. However, my mentality of looking for my best friend as my partner in life still remains. I will not give up hope for the man of my dreams to be everything I want in a person for the rest of my life, both as a friend and as a lover.

Jan29

Nothing Left to Give

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Amira Young

Nothing Left to Give

Five months before I left my ex, my friend SK was leaving her abusive relationship situation. When she was leaving, I did everything in my power to help her – moved her stuff to a new place, introduced her to a new group of friends and, the biggest one of all, let her onto my cell phone plan because she would have a difficult time getting her own, under the conditions she would pay me back.

Now, a year after my divorce with trying to repay all my debts and nothing left to give her, she has disappeared after never paying her part of the cell phone bill, owing me over $1,000. When I told her that I needed her help, she was nowhere to be found. She has a nice new boyfriend and best friend, and pretty much has started to run the community I fled from. For the most part, she has pretended that I don’t exist anymore.

I have always used the reference to the kid on the playground with the new toy or the bag of candy. Everyone wants to be your friend when you have something they want. But if you have nothing left… well, it becomes a different situation entirely. It’s only then we can understand the truth about the people around us.

Divorce definitely teaches you a thing or two about your friends, because during situations like this it’s a trial and error of who’s got your back versus who never did, but were more than willing to mooch off of you. Even my ex fit into that category – after all, he was more than willing to capitalize on the popularity we received, and took advantage of it the moment I left for his own gains.

I watched my friends react in different ways, and I knew that the people who were loyal had been with me through the years would stick around – people like P, AB and JB, who knew me before I met A. Then there were those who were rather new to my life, but shook me hard enough to make me realize that it was okay to trust them too, people like SH, RT and CC. Then there were friends who were there before, but became closer now – SL definitely comes to mind.

There were certain friends who were definitely on the fence, who didn’t quite know how to respond to the situation but gave me some distance to get my shit together. I understand that – it’s hard to gage someone at a difficult time. And then there are people who want to help but just can’t deal, who have bigger fish to fry when it comes to their own issues and what you bring to the surface with your problems. That was AD through and through.

When there is nothing left in your pockets and you have been reduced to a ball of emotional mush while dealing with the circumstances of divorce, you begin to realize the true meaning of friendship and loyalty. It’s not about when things are high and mighty – everyone is willing to be your friend when there’s money to be doled out or it’s a popular place to be. However, you need to watch when things falter for who’s coming to save your butt. There are times when we know that a person will be there for us no matter what, or a person who we wouldn’t trust when we were in trouble. But there are often shades of gray.

Sometimes we don’t have the best judgment. I truly thought that SK was going to be loyal to me – after all, I had done so much for her, it seemed only right. However, as I really needed her, she was only interested in herself. As I am now leaving my rock bottom and getting my life back in order, I will remember those who were there when I had nothing left. They are my inner circle now, the truest of friends. They are beautiful gems. And the best part now is I have found new friends who have embraced me at the bottom not because I have something to give them, but because I am who I am. They have no benefit in being friends with me except for that. And it will be an incredible feeling as I am moving forward.

Dec13

Sticks and Stones, or why internet trolls make me laugh

Posted on December 13, 2012 by Amira Young

Sticks and Stones, or why internet trolls make me laugh

One of the most amazing things about being a Huffington Post blogger is that the entire country has full access to your work. They see what you’re thinking, and you can share your thoughts in a public forum for all to consume. Sometimes those opinions can be extreme, but they are honest.

However, what I learned from the first moment that I became a blogger was that I had to stop immediately caring what other people thought of me. They were going to judge me as a selfish brat, a cheater, a harlot, insensitive… well, those are the nicer things they called me, anyway. And nothing I could say would stop them.

The Internet is the easiest place in the world to be a bully. We look to feel superior to others in our everyday lives anyway, so we will stand in judgment while others put their lives on display. With the Internet, it goes up tenfold because we have that beautiful anonymity that we can hide under and not let people know who we really are.

One night, after a Huffington Post piece, SL texted me, telling me how awful she thought those commentators were to me.

“I’d cry. I wanted to cry for you,” she said.

I have been through such hell through this divorce and caused tears in so many people that I can’t bear another one on my behalf. I’m not going to lie, however, because those words hurt when people say them.

They say how lucky my ex is that I left, not knowing his anger that would scare me at night or how the fear that he will one day come for me haunts my dreams sometimes. They complain how I had an emotional affair with my guy friends, not knowing that these two guys, JB and AD, are two of the most decent guys in the universe and would never have done anything to break up my marriage. They said I was wedding-obsessed, not knowing that my wedding cost was relatively low and I really did focus on trying to have a good marriage from the start. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. We move on.

Trolls appear everywhere, and they appear here on the main blog too too. There are comments about how I’m a disgusting human being going for food stamps (like I said, I wouldn’t go for government aid if I didn’t have to), all I talk about is how much I hate my ex (not true either), how I am lazy (try telling that to the four different companies I went on job interviews to within the past week), I should stop writing and I am a horrible person.

There was a time where I would have cowered from these words, where I would have been scared how I came across to these people. Those were in my former life where I sought to please everyone else. Now I am much more comfortable in my skin. And, as I tell my friends, I will grab a bag of Trader Joe’s movie theater popcorn (my favorite!), read the negative comments and laugh my head off.

Why do I laugh? For many reasons, including that the more they snark, the more hits I get. But more importantly, it’s because these people would never know me walking down the street. They couldn’t point to me and call out my name. They’ll never know how I dream of traveling the world, that I love dancing whenever I can or singing at the top of my lungs. They don’t know how I care for my father when he’s ill or am there for my friends when they need support. They’ll never know about how I love to laugh or make mischief in my own special way. And they’ll certainly never know how precious the people I love are to me or how I am a kind and decent person and would never do what they do to me to another living soul, whether I was anonymous or not. The truth is they don’t know me.

And one thing I learned through my divorce is how much strength that I have that these internet trolls could never own up to. My ex tried to abuse me from afar, and he has not succeeded. I control my own life, despite the mess that I am in. I own my mistakes and take refuge in the fact that I am learning from them. And as people of the internet abuse me too, I am confident in the knowledge of myself that I will never falter and never back down from my calling.

So here’s what I told SL the night she wanted to cry: “They don’t know me. I know me and I know that I’m a lot stronger than they ever will be. They stand in judgment, and I will rise above.”

Nov30

Five Years Away: A La Divorcee Vita Special Edition

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Amira Young

Five Years Away: A La Divorcee Vita Special Edition

This past month would have been five years since my ex and I married. My wedding was all around the wrong decision. We can only see things when we look back at them at an arm’s length, and see that we made the wrong decision for ourselves and go from there.

A part of me knew it going in. I didn’t love A. Although I did my best to be a good wife and girlfriend considering the circumstances, I fought for the survival of our marriage on multiple occasions. This was despite the abuse our marriage counselor pointed out, and after a while, I couldn’t keep up the facade past a certain point that I was unhappy. So it leads to the question that everyone asks about my relationship, and in turn my marriage: “Why did you go through with it?”

There is fault that lies in my corner, and I am willing to confess my sins about why I stayed in a bad relationship, and in turn a bad marriage, and what made me at fault. They are as follows:

REJECTION: In my dating life before my ex, I was rejected a lot. I wouldn’t get anywhere with guys that I liked, and I just ended up heartbroken over and over. I thought to myself, “Maybe I should just be with someone that’s okay, and then go from there. I should just find someone who’s into me.” Sorry, kids, but that’s just not good enough. And I thought I could grow to love him. It doesn’t work that way, either.

PEER PRESSURE: Our relationship, from the first moment we were dating, was extremely public. Everyone knew even before we decided to be exclusive. I remembered that my ex pressured me to tell my family, even though I wanted to wait before letting them know I was getting involved with anyone. (That was a major red flag.) A lot of people liked us together, and I knew how sad they would be if we broke up. So I tried to keep going and tried to put on that happy face. I felt a lot of pressure to stay together because I didn’t want to make anyone else unhappy. My goal from the get-go was to please everyone else. I put myself last, which is not the way to do anything in your life. It was why, after the divorce, I decided to start exploring myself, and I learned it was okay to be selfish sometimes. Sometimes you have to be.

SEX LIFE: The sex was very intense and very passionate at the start. As we continued into our dating life, the sex remained strong, but we only saw each other on weekends and I initiated for the most part. When we started living together, the sex continued – until two weeks after the actual wedding, when it almost completely disappeared, and it resorted to a begging act for me. The lesson? Never date or marry a guy based just on the sex, because it could go away just as fast.

AGE: I was just graduating college when I got with my ex, and for the most part he was my first real relationship. We married when I was 25. All in all, I was too young to even consider settling down with someone. In fact, there was one point where we almost broke up, but I stayed determined and wanted to keep fighting for it. I just figured that I wanted a long marriage, and this was the way to do it. The times are different now — it’s not necessarily about length, but about quality. And quality is something you need to build from the ground up, and at such a young age, I just couldn’t.

FRIENDS: A and I got together right before graduation, which was far away from where I was about to move back to. In keeping my relationship, I kept up with a lot of my friends from college. Even as red flags came up and we had difficulties, I realized that if I broke off the relationship that I would lose a lot of my friends. I didn’t want that. I put those people in front of my happiness.

HOME TURF: After college, I returned to my home town and hated it. I didn’t want to be there with my parents, particularly my mother, who were constantly yelling at or berating me, and I didn’t want to be so far from everyone who I loved and who loved me. It was advantageous to stay involved with A, and then marry him so I could move away from my parents for good. But as I ran from the abuse of my parents’ home, I ran into it too.

HIS FAMILY: My former mother-in-law, when it looked like I was coming into the fold, really embraced me and treated me like a daughter the way my mother never really did. (When I left she became rather vindictive.) So did his cousins, and his brother’s kids loved having me as an aunt. It was a sad thought in leaving because I really did like the family, and I didn’t want to be the girl with the crazy mother-in-law.

EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY: I have an insane time letting people in, and I am rather quick to build up walls if I think I could get hurt. I am not that verbally expressive in my relationship, but if I feel something towards someone who I trust, I say it. The fact I didn’t speak my feelings all the time drove my ex crazy. But I closed myself off. I watched in my relationship, over and over again, as my ex would call me names and treat me horribly, eroding my trust, and I would shut down emotionally. He would cajole me to being more open again, and then when I became more open, he would shut me down again. Whether it was a result of my difficulties letting people in or this pattern, I’m not sure. But we both failed.

INSECURITY: I have a killer personality, but I am no beauty queen. Dating in Southern California is tricky enough even if you look good. Here was someone telling me how much he loved me, having sex with me regularly and wanting me in a relationship, not just on a one-night stand basis. Did I really want to go back to the dating arena, where I felt like a persona non grata? There were very few guys who wanted to be with me. Sure, my ex was difficult, unambitious, afraid of change, angry and way too attached with the concept of words versus actions. But no one else wanted me. I figured that this was my lot in life, and I should just take it.

All in all, there were a lot of mistakes to be made in my married life, and I made quite a few. I accept them just as I accept that I am not a perfect person. I was not alone in making the wrong decision, because I realized after I left that my ex wanted to be married, and it didn’t matter to who. I just happened to be there with all the problems listed above. Once we were married, he figured that this was it and he didn’t have to work at it anymore. Not so much.

The lesson of being five years away from my wedding day is looking back and realizing what you did wrong and moving on. I understand what landed me in this position in the first place, and I know what I need to better approach another relationship. I atone for my sins every day, although I do not regret my path. It’s just a part of where I am right now.

Nov28

Visual vs. Mental Attraction

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Amira Young

Visual vs. Mental Attraction

Dating is a crazy and difficult road, as is sexting. But I have held true to a belief from before I was married: I can’t understand why guys would take pictures of their junk to send to girls.

I have never met a girl who looks at a penis picture and would be swooning for a guy after that. Men don’t seem to understand that women’s attraction to them has more to do with them on a different level. Guys can see boobs and get turned on (I know this from personal experience), but women just don’t respond the same way to seeing sexual organs.

I’m now in the part of the divorce process where it seems time for all my friends to set me up. They ask me, “What are you attracted to?” Mind you, I do have a physical type. That guy is usually tall with nice eyes, dark hair, a wicked smile and a manly body, kind of like the Italian Stallion. But that physical type has been broken time and again for me.

What breaks this mold, you may ask? Well, for me it’s a person’s mind. I am attracted to a guy’s wordplay, his smarts and his sense of humor. The way he carries himself in a room is a turn on. If I can engage him in conversation for an extended period and feel comfortable and safe, that’s a person I love being around. If I click with a guy, it makes it amazing, and he becomes instantly more attractive to me. He may not be the sexiest guy in the room, but he’ll become it in my eyes. It’s always been this way. And if I can shut up around him and be okay, he’s a keeper.

It’s something that I find to be a tremendous difference between men and women. It’s based on common biology: Men seek women by attraction, because that’s how men function. They look based on looks because they sense the secrets to our fertility there – hence, big boobs and larger hips for childbirth.

Women think differently in that we don’t look for men who are going to want in our pants biologically. We want success, stability and sustainability, because women think about how the man will support the child. Although we do have physical attraction, women have attraction based more on the total package versus men, where it’s based a lot in the physical world.

The key is that we process sexuality and sensuality differently – guys look outward, women look inward. It makes us different as genders, not to mention explains that phenomenon from sitcoms from the late ‘90s that had ugly-ass men and attractive wives. But we don’t seem to understand that men do not function as women, and men vice versa.

So gentlemen, do yourselves a favor – instead of taking penis pics to impress a lady, think about improving yourself. Be successful, be a better man, be the person who you should be in order to get the gal. And understand that we are not visual creatures like you. We get off on funny laughter, deep looks in the eyes, meaningful conversation and what you may do to us in the bedroom that we like that we stow away in our memories for later usage. Let’s just say we as ladies don’t need penis pics for a spank bank. I’ve got a great imagination.

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